


The best thing to hold onto in life is you

by Mimisempai



Series: This is their story [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s18e11 Great Expectations, Episode: s18e15 Know it All, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-28 16:49:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30142599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: It only takes a few words on a screen for everything to be turned upside down, for what seemed impossible to become possible, for two souls to recognize each other.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: This is their story [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2218527
Comments: 15
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If this story seems familiar to you, it's normal.  
> I've been writing for not quite a year, and I decided to polish up my first story that was kind of on hiatus.  
> When I started writing it, I didn't know where I was going.  
> I grew as a writer, (I think, I hope), I wanted to add things, change the form and the title.  
> Thank you to the follower of the original story to have been so patient!  
> The story begins about halfway through season 18, will have more parts, the first is finished.  
> I hope you'll enjoy it!

It all started like an ordinary day. Well, what Sonny called an ordinary day. 

As was often the case, he was at the precinct before everyone else to take the time to go through his evening lessons and quietly prepare for the day ahead. He liked to take the time to get into his day before the inevitable rush that would come, because crime never slept. Not to mention, with his exams coming up soon, he preferred working on them early in the morning, while his mind was still relatively rested.

The rest of the team would be here soon. He was putting his lessons away in his bag when his cell phone started vibrating. He was a bit surprised to see that it was Barba sending him a message and couldn't help but feel the slight shiver of excitement that ran through him. He slid the screen to read the message…

_-Good morning Carisi. Do you have time to pick up some warrants ?_

Secretly looking forward to seeing the ADA, for purely professional reasons of course, Sonny hurried to answer.

_-Yeah, I’ll get coffee on my way. You want one ?_

The response was almost immediate.

_-Is the Pope catholic ? A black coffee, black as my soul…_

Sonny could not hold back a little laughter at the first part of the answer, count on Barba to be sassy even early in the morning. But very quickly, what challenged him was the second part of the sentence. Barba was a man of words, all his sentences were weighed and had meaning. So Sonny couldn't help but wonder with a little sadness what he meant by that. And his empathy, combined with his interest in the lawyer, led him to address these last words. Giving in to this impulse in him, he answered quickly, fingers flying on the phone

_-Hey Barba, don't say that about your soul ! I've seen more than one black soul in this job and I assure you it's not the color of yours._

Sonny could see the three dots dancing on the screen, which indicated Barba was responding. He kept the phone in his hand as he prepared to leave.

- _That’s kind of you to say, but sometimes the pressure of this job doesn't help me see the light even in me._

Sonny's heart tightened as he read this, touched by the vulnerability that Barba let him witness. He suspected that the ADA would never have told him this kind of thing if they were face to face. The advantage of the messages was that there was no eye to eye contact. Sonny assumed that this was why Barba had given himself up, albeit in a tiny way and in a self-deprecating tone, to give Sonny the option of deflecting. Though he understood what the ADA meant. With all what they saw, all they had to carry in their respective jobs, it was sometimes hard to see beyond the darkness of the human soul. Sonny, with his optimistic view on humanity, preferred to focus on the light. This is what prompted him to write the next message.

_-I’ll be right here with a cup of coffee that'll make you feel better._

He thought that in this way, while making clear to Rafael that he understood him, it allowed him to return to a lighter ground. He put on his jacket, wrote a little note to his colleagues explaining the reason for his absence, and added that he would bring them coffee. 

Sonny was like that, he liked to please his family and the people close to him, and for him, his team -and secretly Barba- were like family and that meant among other good deeds, delivering coffee, Italian pastries and other sweets, babysitting Amanda’s girl, or cooking for the whole team at Liv’s. What people often took for a desire to be appreciated was just generosity, because Sonny's heart was made that way. There was no hidden motive behind these small gestures. This extraordinary empathy, which he had and which he himself was not always aware of, allowed him to know instinctively what people close or not close to him needed. That's how he got confessions from the most recalcitrant culprits where everyone else had failed. That's how very often, the victims instinctively trusted him. That's how sometimes he was able to change the course of an investigation because he had this vision of things that no one else had.

No sooner had he walked through the door than his phone started vibrating again.

_-Don’t take too long flirting with Maria the barista, I have meetings scheduled._

Maria was the coffee barista at the cafe on the way between the precinct and Rafael’s office. Just as Forlini's was their headquarters when it came to celebrating a victory or forgetting their defeat, the café was their headquarters for when they needed a caffeine fix. God knows that with the nature of their work, that was often the case. Rafael had gone there often with the squad, though Sonny never openly flirted or acted seductively towards the young woman.

He wondered what the message meant. At first he thought it was to continue on the lighter tone of the conversation because the ADA thought he had said too much. From someone else these words would have seemed unnecessary to Sonny. But not from Barba. 

Sonny didn't even dare to dwell on the idea that Barba might be remotely interested in his love life...after all, there was nothing to make him think that anything was possible. But something inside him made him go all in...If Barba had made the effort to give himself up a little, maybe it was time for Sonny to do the same. After all, as they say, only those who do nothing make no mistakes. 

_-Oh please Rafael, if I were going to bat my eyelashes at someone, it would be the waiter…_

His thumb hovered hesitantly over the "Sending" button, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and pressed firmly on the screen.

Almost immediately, he saw the word "read" appear below the message. His heart stopped for a short moment, before starting again, seeing an almost immediate response.

_-Oh…_

Even if it was by texting, he felt a certain pride at the idea of having made the ADA almost speechless and took advantage of this short moment to answer just as directly.

_-At least now you know…_

He didn't expect the answer that followed almost instantly, as if Barba had been waiting for an opening.

_-…that we’re the same ?_

And now it was Sonny's turn to be speechless. In automatic mode, he entered the café, bought their drinks and left without noticing anyone, neither the barista nor the waiter. It wasn't until he found himself in front of the door at 1 Place Hogan, that the reality of their exchange fell on him. especially since he hadn't answered the last message.

But what to answer. What's more, he suddenly felt that he couldn't respond to that in a message. He needed to see Barba's face. Then he would know. Anyway he was there now, just a few steps away from the ADA's office.

It was not like Barba to reveal himself like that, what did it mean? Did he want to return the favor so they'd be on an equal footing? Yeah, but then why? Up until now, he hadn't minded having the upper hand in all their verbal exchanges.

His mind full of questions, not knowing what to expect, Sonny walked through the door of Rafael's office.  
  
______

A few hours earlier. 

It all started like an ordinary day. Well, what Rafael called an ordinary day. Following his daily routine, he liked to arrive in his office when the hallways were still deserted, it was a bubble of peace before chaos, because every day was a fight, and like in every war, each day had its share of victories and defeats. Rafael was hard on himself, and defeats weighed more heavily on him than victories. Those moments of peace in the morning made it possible for him to face all of that.

After going through his appointments and tasks of the day, he set to work, performing light paperwork that didn't require much thought, to still maintain the illusion of calm. He signed a few warrants for the Special Victim Unit that Liv had asked him to handle as a priority. He took his phone then went through his contact list. He wondered who to ask to come and get the warrants. His thumb scrolled down the alphabetical list and up, stopped over Carisi. Yes, he was going to ask him to come and get them, it would give him the opportunity to take his mind off things a bit.

He appreciated that the young detective was one of the few people who didn't take offense at his barbed comments and even didn't hesitate to answer them. If he was honest with him, he liked to tease Carisi. It was Rafael's guilty pleasure, watching emotions run through the young detective's face. Which was actually astonishing. Carisi was able to reveal nothing in front of a suspect or a victim, but he seemed to completely let his guard down in the presence of Rafael.

So he decided to send him the message, not trying to analyse that little feeling of excitement at the prospect of seeing the younger detective.

_-Good morning Carisi. Do you have time to pick up some warrants ?_

The answer was almost immediate.

_-Yeah, I’ll get coffee on my way. You want one ?_

Okay, since Carisi was throwing him a line, Rafael surely, wasn't going to be shy about grabbing it. 

_-Is the Pope catholic ? A black coffee, black as my soul…_

Rafael didn't know what had gotten into him to write this, he realized that what he had thought was humor, was revealing a little too much about his mood. He hoped Carisi wouldn't dwell on it…

_-Hey Barba, don't say that about your soul ! I've seen more than one black soul in this job and I assure you it's not the color of yours._

It was without considering the young detective's perspicacity. Rafael was good at guessing who people were, because he was always looking for their flaws. He could have defended himself by saying that it was a trait he had acquired because of his work. That it was a way of cracking the most recalcitrant culprits. But he knew deep down inside that it came from his childhood. It was an approach he had learned from an early age, whether it was anticipating the reactions of an abusive father or achieving the objectives he has set for himself. Carisi, on the other hand, had this gift innately, a pure empathy that allowed him to feel the distress of those he met. At that moment it seemed that this quality helped him to see beyond Rafael's wisecrack.

Lost in his reflections, Rafael took some time to answer.

_-That’s kind of you to say, but sometimes the pressure of this job doesn't help me see the light even in me._

Rafael didn't know why he had suddenly revealed what he had in his heart at that moment, but something in Carisi drove him to sincerity, or maybe it was just because he hadn't yet put on his lawyer's shell, in any case he had just enough time to turn things over in his head that the younger detective had already answered him.

 _-I’ll be right here with a cup of coffee that'll make you feel better._

Rafael couldn't help but have a slight smile on his lips. Typical of Carisi, in addition to the extraordinary empathy that Rafael had never received himself but had witnessed several times, he seemed to feel intrinsically what people needed from him. No platitudes, no false pity, just the offer of comfort. While the rest of the time the detective was often clumsy and very effusive, in those moments he showed an unsuspected delicacy. Rafael had to admit, even if only to himself, that he was happy for once to be the one who benefited from this side of the younger man. 

This prompted him to restart the conversation, and to send a lighter message, because he didn't want their exchange to end.

_-Don’t take too long flirting with Maria the barista, I have meetings scheduled._

He was curious to see how Carisi would respond. After all, he hadn't noticed anything in the young man's behavior that might have suggested that he was interested in the young barista. Rafael preferred not to dwell on what this revealed about his interest in the young man.

He saw the dancing dots on the screen indicating that the young man was answering, and he couldn't restrained his excitement as he waited for the message to appear.

_-Oh please Rafael, if I were going to bat my eyelashes at someone, it would be the waiter…_

Oh...oh! And that was exactly what he wrote to him.

_-Oh…_

The detective could gloat of being one of the few people to have shut him up for a short time. But most of all he was blown away by Carisi's forthright answer. Once again he had caught the ball and returned it to him with even more force. That was something he could only admire. And he couldn't leave such courage without an answer, he had to return the favour. He was starting to type a reply when another message arrived:

_-At least now you know…_

He knew, in front of the vulnerability these few words revealed, that he had done well sending his answer right away.

_-…that we’re the same ?_

Leaning in his seat, his head back, he closed his eyes. He didn't expect any answer, because the moment he had sent that message he was aware that for better or worse - he was hoping for better - he had changed things and the rest should be said face to face.

Of course, he didn't know what the future was going to be, but what he was sure of, that with this exchange of messages, he and Carisi had told each other more than in two years of working together. The fact that the detective didn't answer could mean all sorts of things, that he was shocked, that he didn't know how to react, that he was afraid, that he thought Rafael was making fun of him. But it could mean that like Rafael, Carisi preferred to address things directly and reading the texts again, Rafael started to hope that something was possible, that those few words exchanged would be the starting point of something new, something he had never known. For once, Rafael, who had always been in control of everything in his life, was surprised that he wanted to let himself be surprised by what would come. Hearing a slight knock at the door, he opened his eyes. Seeing the long silhouette behind the glass, he sat up straight in his chair and barely raising his voice, he said, "Come in."

The doorknob turned slowly, the door opened.

"Good morning, Rafael."

Sonny put the coffee on Rafael's desk and sat down in one of the armchairs in front of him.

“Thank you Carisi and good mor-”, Rafael made a short break. “Wait? Rafael? Since when?”

“Since now”, replied Sonny with an amused glow in his eyes. “After those messages, Barba seemed too formal, at least in private.”

Count on Carisi to get to the point.

"In private ?" Rafael Rafael was pleasantly surprised at the young detective's boldness.

“Yes, right now.” retorted Sonny, “You can't deny that it's just the two of us, so it could be considered to be seeing each other privately, and then...hum…”

For the first time since the young detective had walked through the door, he seemed to lose his confidence and became hesitant. Rafael had no intention of letting go. The conversation was taking a turn far too interesting for that. He couldn't help but insist.

“Your point ?” It was Rafael's turn to look at Sonny with an amused look.

The young detective took a deep breath and said in one go, “I thought that perhaps, after the last texts...” 

Rafael raised an inquisitive eyebrow and answered, “Really? Just because of a few texts we should become best friends in the world?”

He knew he wasn't making it easy for Carisi, that his old self-defense reflexes were getting the better of him, but it was also a way for him to find out where Sonny stood. Maiby it seemed cruel of him, but if the young man was as Rafael thought he was, he knew he'd rise to the challenge.

Sonny didn't disappoint him. “Not the best friends in the world, but uh... maybe start by, um, going out for a drink somewhere together…”

“Yes? And for what reason?” Rafael couldn't help but corner the young detective. He had to admit he was very entertained to see what argument Carisi would use to counter it.

“Just talking about this and that, outside of the work context. Come on.” Carisi replied with an adorable pout. And no, Rafael did not just associate Sonny and adorable in the same sentence. Rafael had his pride, and he couldn't let it get to him so easily. 

“If you thought I'd be easily persuaded just because we've revealed our little secrets, then you were sadly mistaken.”

“Rafael” Carisi sighed, then looking Rafael directly in the eye, he continued,“I'm well aware that you're far from being an easy person. But I'm not asking for anything difficult either, just going out for a drink tonight after work, it's completely harmless.”

Harmless, who was he trying to fool, Sonny thought, of course it wasn't harmless. This morning when he woke up the idea of something possible between him and Rafael seemed completely unthinkable to him. But now he started to hope and that's why he was stubborn.

Even though it was tenuous and fragile, he felt something in the air. He could feel it in the way the ADA looked at him, in the way he acted, even in the way he answered to him, there wasn't the same bite as before.

Rafael was happy to see that the detective didn't let himself be taken apart. Even more, that he stood up to him. He appreciated people who knew how to argue and who didn't let themselves be impressed by him. In his job, there were two categories of manipulators he often met. The ones who buttered him up to get what they wanted and the ones who would do it to stab him in the back. 

He had no doubt about Carisi though. One thing he was intimately sure of, was that Carisi didn't belong in either category. On the other hand before he agreed with the young man, he wanted to test him one last time, “Does that mean I have to call you Sonny?” 

“No, no, no obligation!” Carisi replied hastily. “I don't want you to feel obliged to do anything with me, ever.”

If Rafael still had doubts about the sincerity of the young detective, that answer would have erased them all. Sonny - that's what he was really going to call him - made every effort from the beginning and Rafael knew that it was time for him to give something too.

“Sonny-”

The expression of surprise followed by the dazzling smile on the face of the younger man, just because Rafael had uttered his nickname, was the most beautiful of rewards.

Rafael had noticed that when Sonny introduced himself to new people, he always repeated the same sentence. "Dominick Carisi Jr, but you can call me Sonny." Though of course, no one did. He himself always called him Carisi or detective. He was Carisi to Liv and the rest of the team. That’s why, seeing the happiness in Sonny's eyes in reaction to the simple fact that Rafael called him by his nickname, made him realize something. The young detective didn't say that phrase out of politeness, he really wanted people to call him by his first name. Could it be that for him it meant bonding with the person in front of him ? Rafael didn't know, but he couldn't wait to find out. Internally, he promised himself that he would use this nickname whenever the situation would allow it.

“Rafael?” He had to admit that he liked hearing his name in Sonny's mouth.

“I was gonna ask, Sonny”, said Rafael, “what do you say we go to The Sherwood tonight? We can meet there since it's halfway between here and the precinct.”

“Hum... Really?” Sonny looked even more surprised.

“What? You don't want to go after all?” Rafael wondered if he would ever stop teasing the young man.

“Ah, uh, no. Yes, I do. But I wouldn't want to keep you waiting. You know that I don’t have office hours."

“Just text me when you leave the precinct.”

“Thank you. Hum.. we will be doing like that.”

Before the situation became a little awkward, Rafael spoke to Sonny with half a smile on his face. “Go, Detective, take these warrants with you and go to work now.” That said, he handed him the warrants.

“Oh? No more Sonny?” 

“You know the saying,” replied Rafael, the smile lingering on his lips became clearly mocking. “Too much of a good thing.”

“Ah? Is that a good thing?” Sonny asked in a light joking tone.

However, Rafael could see that behind Sonny's teasing innocence, there was also a slight element of insecurity. Something that few people were able to see. Sonny was always very energetic and joyful. It gave an impression of self-confidence when you didn't look at it closely. But in two years Rafael had had time to realize that his "Am I right, counselor?" was more than just a way to display his legal knowledge. 

Rafael had long understood that Sonny really needed reassurance. That's why, over time, he had mellowed, and didn't hesitate to give his approval when it was deserved instead of the usual mockery.

He didn't keep the young detective waiting any longer, and said to him :

“Yes it is, Sonny. Come on! Let's get to work!”

“Have a nice day Rafael!” Sonny replied, returning to his usual energy.

“You too Sonny, you too.”

He watched Sonny close the door behind him with a fond gaze and a slight smile on his lips. Sonny felt like he was walking on a cloud and barely dared to believe his luck. He resisted the urge to write a message to Rafael to verify that it was all real. He didn't want to look like an idiot though, and after all, he had the warrants in his hands. That meant he hadn't imagined anything.

Filled with impatience for tonight, he bought the coffees for the team and arrived at the precinct with a bounce in his step. When he arrived, he greeted everyone and put the coffees on each of the desks.

“Good morning !”

“Hi Carisi” Amanda and Fin answered at the same time.

He sensed from their tense tone that the rest of the day wasn't going to be as smoothly as the beginning. 

“What do we got?” 

Fin replied, darkly, “A 13-year-old victim, Jack Wilson. He plays for the New York City Whitecaps. They had a game this morning, but they lost after he missed a shot at the last second. His mother noticed he was bleeding in the parking lot and took him to the hospital right away.”

“Did someone talk to the doctor?” asked Sonny

“Yeah Liv. She said no doubt it was a sexual aggression and she wants you to meet her at the hospital.”

“Okay”, Sonny said as he stood up. “I'm on my way right now.”

Sonny already sensed that this was going to be a difficult case, as was often the case with children. They fought with equal force no matter who the victim was of course, but cases involving children always weighed more heavily on the team. 

As Sonny joined Liv at the hospital, he wondered if he would be able to have that drink with Rafael as planned. But he quickly dispelled that thought. This was no time to be selfish. There was a victim who needed his full attention waiting for him. He stepped on the gas to get to Liv as quickly as possible.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Sonny and Rafael have decided to see each other outside of work for the first time, the svu is confronted with a difficult case that seems to particularly affect Sonny...
> 
> Based on the Episode : Great Expectations (S18E11)

Sonny met Olivia at the hospital. On the spot, she gave him a summary of the case as they went to join the child, Jack, and his mother in one of the emergency rooms. Olivia and Sonny tried to get him to confess who was responsible for his condition, but the boy stubbornly refused to tell them anything. The arrival of the father with the coach and his son Kyle taught them nothing more than that Kyle was friends with Jack the victim. Nothing more about the facts.

As they returned to the precinct together in order to proceed with the investigation, it was quiet in the car. Usually when Carisi was there, there wasn't a moment of silence. He always had something to say. It was as if his brain never stopped thinking. He would already be giving his opinion on how things had happened, on how to make the victim talk, but there, complete silence. Olivia thought it might have been the fact that the victim was a child. That it was weighing on him. Of course such cases were always particularly difficult to handle, but it wasn't the first of its kind, which is why Olivia really had the impression that something wasn't ordinary with Carisi.

There was one thing Carisi could never be blamed for, that was not getting involved in his work. Olivia had been skeptical at first, when he came into the unit. The young detective had been rough around the edges, he always had an opinion on everything, was always eager to show that he was able to. However like coal that becomes a diamond, Carisi had taken apart all the prejudices about himself point by point. Day after day he proved to her that she had done well to keep him. In a short time, he had become one of the indispensable members of the team, even more so if she had to admit it to herself; he was one of the members of the team that held it together. He really brought a breath of fresh air into the precinct. 

There was his permanent good mood, which made him often the target of mockery but also allowed everyone to approach their work with more lightness. He often defused nascent quarrels with his light intervention, or with the help of his Italian pastries.

More than that though, there was this empathy he felt for everyone he met, especially the victims. He had surprised Olivia more than once by using a different approach that proved effective in the end. Even though this empathy caused him to lose sight of his own person sometimes and neglect his well-being. He had a tendency to embrace the victim's suffering while forgetting himself. That's why she was a little worried that he hadn't said a word since they left the hospital. She tried to address the problem.

"Is everything all right, Carisi?" she asked him. 

The detective didn't answer, lost in his thoughts. She gently put her hand on his arm, not wanting to startle him while he was driving. 

"Hm? Ah...er...Yeah yeah, I'm fine." he replied, "Sorry, I was concentrating on the traffic."

Olivia wasn't convinced but figured Carisi would tell her if something was really wrong. She didn't insist. Sonny, on the other hand, struggled with his emotions threatening to overwhelm him and did everything he could to contain them. This case hit too close to home. This boy, his stubbornness in not saying the name of his attacker reminded him too much of a little boy hidden deep inside of him. The flashes of moments he wanted to forget kept coming back into his head. He pulled himself together by admonishing himself. He didn't have time for that. He had to focus on the case at hand, the past had to stay where it belonged, in the past.

During the time he was lost in his thoughts, they had arrived at the precinct and Olivia had begun to divide up the tasks. They went out to interview potential witnesses until lunchtime and came back empty-handed. The dinner with Rafael seemed to be getting further and further away. Sonny even wondered if he would be in the mood for it. He hesitated for a moment, and finally took out his phone.

_ -Rafael, I'm sorry but I think I need to cancel tonight.  _

He couldn't wait for an answer because Amanda arrived with a video that gave a new twist to the case. Now, they had suspects. After the interrogations, it turned out that the instigator of the assault was the coach's son. Kyle, the friend of the victim. On the way to the presumed perpetrator's house, Sonny looked at his phone and saw that Rafael had answered more than two hours ago.

_ -You think or you're sure? For what reason?  _

_ -The current case... it's likely to last  _

_ -Liv told me about it. The young hockey player?  _

_ -Yeah, I don't know if I can make it on time.  _

_ -It's only 12:00. There is still time.  _

_ -I don't want to keep you waiting for nothing.  _

_ -I'll come at the precinct and meet you. I don't mind waiting for you.  _

Sonny was surprised at how much effort Rafael was willing to put into their date. Even if he wasn't in the right frame of mind to think about all this, the fact that Rafael was ready to wait for him, filled him with a warmth that he didn't linger to analyze. His phone vibrated again.

_ -Before you play your brave knight, when was the last time you saw me do something against my will?  _

_ -Ok.  _ Sonny smiled slightly as he send the answer.

_ -See you tonight.  _

The thought of seeing Rafael tonight and if he admitted to himself, the thought that Rafael would be waiting for him, gave him some energy. 

They took the boy away, but the father came very quickly and they had to release him for lack of evidence. Their last resort was Jack, the victim, and they went back to question him. The boy finally confessed that the culprit was his friend Kyle, the coach's son. In the course of their investigation, they realized that the coach was very violent and that he had unhealthy authority over his sons, particularly over Kyle himself. But Kyle wouldn't admit it and as a result all the squad was interrogating Kyle's family, Fin was with the big brother as Amanda interrogated the mother. Both vehemently denied having been a victim of brutality by the coach. Sonny was in the interrogation room with Kyle himself, trying to make him understand what he was risking if he didn't confess the truth. He also promised him their protection if he was afraid to confess because of his father. But nothing helped, the young boy said nothing.

As Amanda was no more successful with the father, Sony was forced to read his Miranda rights to the boy and took him to court, where he was released into his parents' custody. After that, Sonny went back to the precinct, he wanted to take a few minutes break before continuing to work on the case. 

_____

In his office, Rafael was working on papers, when his phone vibrated. He grabbed it, it was Olivia.

_ -Rafael, do you have a moment to discuss the current case? _

_ -Do you want to come here, or should I come to your office? _

_ -Honestly, I'd be thankful to have you stop by. _

_ -I’ll come. _

Rafael thought it  would be good for him too, hopefully he could see Sonny. Wait, since when did he become as sappy as a teenager in love ? He knew exactly how long it had been, even though he refused to admit it to himself. The possibility of something happening between him and the young detective had opened a door he had thought had been closed for a long time. But Rafael pulled himself together and left for his appointment with Olivia. When he arrived in the precinct, there was only Tutuola at his desk. They greeted each other.

"They abandoned you?"

"I think Rollins and Carisi are in the break room," Tutuola replied, "Olivia is in her office."

Good, Rafael thought, on his way to Olivia's office, he had to pass the break room. 

"I'm going to see Olivia. How is the case going?”

"Difficult, our main suspect doesn't want to confess anything, we had to arrest him. Carisi came back from the court, the boy was released under the responsibility of his parents. Apparently the prosecutor wants him to be tried as an adult."

"All right, I'll check it out with Liv."

He walked away to the office, past the break room, saw through the half-open door, that Rollins and Carisi were actually inside. He was about to open the door when he realized they were having a lively discussion. He moved back a little so as not to be seen and could not help but listen.

"The kid is a victim, there's no doubt that he's being abused by his father," Rollins said, clenching her teeth, "and by his mother as well.”

"The mother? " asked Sonny, astonished.

"Yeah. She just sits and sees everything that's going on and does nothing, it's abuse."

Sonny said a little louder, "I understand what you're saying, but... but it's not that simple." 

Rollins looked up and replied dryly as he sat down, "Yes, it is. If anyone lays a hand on Jessie, I swear I'll say or do something." 

Sonny raised his hand, "Wait, so this woman, Helen, don't you think she's a victim too? You think her husband sends her roses every day?"

"Oh, come on."

Sonny wouldn't let her finish and went, "Well, it's not just the physical abuse, it's the shame of it too."

Rollins interrupted him, "I know that! That's why bullies always get away with being bullies!"

"You just don't get it." Sonny put his hand in his pocket when his phone started vibrating.

"I get i-"

Sonny answered the phone and signaled Rollins to be quiet. 

"Okay Lieutenant. I'll meet you there." He put his phone back in his pocket and said to Rollins, "I'm going to the hospital, Liv's gonna meet me there, we need to talk to Jack and his parents again." 

He walked to the door, opened it and turned to Rollins one last time, "All I'm saying is, sometimes it's not as easy as you think it is to be a hero," and walked away with his face closed. 

He left with an angry step, and did not see Rafael. Rafael was surprised by the scene he had just surprised and especially by Sonny's emotion when he had pronounced these last words. But unfortunately if he had understood well, he had no time to linger. He continued on his way to Olivia's office. He knocked and entered without waiting an answer.

"Liv..."

"I'm sorry Rafi, you came for nothing, I have to run to the hospital, there's news about the victim." Liv was already getting ready to go out. "If you come with me to my car, I could at least tell you where things stand."

"Okay. Tell me about it."

Moments later, they parted in front of the car, Rafael would wait for her call to determine what was going to happen next, he returned to his office, slightly disturbed by the scene he had witnessed and wondered how Sonny was doing.

______

When Liv and Sonny met at the hospital, they learned that Jack had just died from his injuries. A nerve-wracking interview with the victim's parents confirmed their suspicions about the responsibility of Kyle's father. They returned to the father's home, taking advantage of the coach's absence to try to convince young Kyle to confess that his father had asked him to do something about it. But he continued to deny it and the father's arrival ended all discussion. They announced that the prosecutor intended to charge Kyle as an adult with homicide and assault. 

Upset, they were putting the last papers in order when they were called to rush to Kyle's home. Jim, the father had just beaten up the eldest son, who had filmed the whole thing. He confessed that he had done it to get his little brother to confess the truth. Kyle was now in the interrogation room and had confessed that his father forced him to do this, but he refused to testify against him, and Sonny, watching behind the one-way mirror felt deep down inside that it was up to him to convince the boy. 

Looking at his watch, he realized that Rafael would surely arrive soon, and all the feelings that this appointment had inspired in him, the anticipation, seemed to be something unattainable at that moment. Sonny took a deep breath and entered the interrogation room with Olivia and sat down in front of the boy. Kyle still refused to testify against his father because he didn't want him to get into trouble.

Sonny started talking.

Meanwhile Rafael had arrived at the precinct. Seeing no one in the main hall, he went to the room next to the interrogation room where Amanda and Fin were already watching the interrogation. When they saw Rafael arrive, they quickly let him know that Sonny and Olivia were trying to convince young Kyle to testify against his father.

Sonny was talking to the boy, "You know Kyle, when I first saw Jack in his hospital bed, I was pretty pissed off." He made a pause before continuing "Because at that moment, Jack reminded me of me. You know, I used to be the weak kid."

Rafael recognized there a tactic specific to interrogators, preaching the false in order to know the true. Sonny was particularly good at it. There was no way that the Sonny he knew, the one who took everything that people sent him every day without letting himself be taken apart, the one who smiled all the time, could have been a weak person.

"The guys in the neighborhood were looking for me every day and there was this boy, Bobby Bianchi."

Something wasn't right. Sonny's tone, his whole attitude, it was like every word that was being spoken was being ripped out of him. Rafael had a bad feeling. What if...

"One day we were at school, he grabbed me by the hair and pushed my head through a window." Sonny seemed visibly affected as he told this story.

The young boy interrupted him, "It must have hurt?"

"I was bleeding, I was cut everywhere." Rafael saw from Olivia's attitude that she too was puzzled by Sonny's attitude.

He began to realize that this was not a lie created to get a confession. That it was not a lie to deceive the young boy but a true story.

"My head teacher asked me what happened.” Sonny kept on. “I could have put an end to it. Right then, all I had to do was say Bobby's name. But I didn't, because I didn't want Bobby to get in trouble."

There Rafael could see it, the stubbornness of a boy who would rather take all the pain than put the guilt on someone who wasn't even his friend. It shouted in the pinched mouth, the tense features and the hard glance of the young detective.

"Did he get away with it?" asked the boy and Rafael also has already the words on his lips, mentaly looking for possible ways to get him charged with a crime even years later.. 

"That’s right. No one ever knew what happened." Sonny took a break. Rafael could see all the tension in the young detective. 

"Do you know where Bobby is now?" Sonny asked. Then he immediately resumed, answering the question himself, "He's in Sing Sing for stabbing a man to death in a bar brawl."

At this moment, Rafael understood where Sonny was going with his story. His admiration for the young man grew by a notch. 

Sonny continued, his voice was almost a whisper, "And I always thought, what if I had said something... If I'd done something, maybe... that guy would still be alive." 

The emotion visible on Sonny's face made Rafael's heart tighten. After a moment of silence, Sonny continued:

"I missed my shot, Kyle. Not a day goes by that I don't regret it. But this is your shot. Right now." Even though his voice trembled, Rafael could see Sonny's determination to convince the young Kyle not to make the same mistake he thought he had made. Sonny stood up, letting Olivia finish, having seen in the boy's eyes that he had convinced him. He walked out of the room and found himself facing Amanda and fin who said, "Nice story, man. I didn't know you could be so quick on your feet."

Sonny just answered: "You’ve got to do what you have to do." 

He passed them and suddenly stopped when he came face to face with Rafael.

"Rafael, I..." he whispered, shaking his head.

"Sonny, it was true, wasn't it? It really happened to you, right?" Rafael murmured.

Sonny looked at him, just nodding, his eyes saying it all. He took off his jacket, turned around and said softly, "I'm sorry." And left.

Rafael watched him leave, at first distraught and not knowing how to hold Sonny back. 

He turned around, waited a moment for Olivia to come out of the interrogation room and followed her to her office. Once the door was closed, he simply said, "Liv, please no questions, I need Carisi's address, right now." She looked at him for a few seconds without saying anything, then nodded her head with a knowing look, rummaged through her address book, wrote down the information on a small piece of paper that she handed to Rafael, still without saying a word. He grabbed it, just nodded his head and walked out of the office. He hurried, hailed a cab and gave the driver his own address, he needed to pick up some things first. After a short stop at his house to pick up everything he needed, he hurried back to the cab that was waiting for him. He gave him Sonny's address. Once there, he looked for Carisi's name on the long list of doorbells before finding and pressing once. When he didn't get an answer, he pressed a second time. Hearing the characteristic noise of the intercom, he didn't give Sonny time to speak.

  
  


"Sonny, I know you're in there, so open the door and let me in!"

There was a moment of silence, then the voice of Sonny deformed by the intercom said, "4th floor at the end of the corridor" followed by a buzz that opened the front door. He hurried, impatiently pressing the button on the 4th floor, cursing the elevator for not going fast enough. Once it arrived at his destination, as soon as the doors opened, Rafael ran towards Sonny's door. It was open, Sonny leaning against the doorframe. Rafael stopped in front of him. After a long period of silence, he said,

“You going to let me in or are we going to talk on the doorstep?”

Sonny simply pushed himself to the side to let Rafael in. His whole attitude screamed out the state he was in. The spark that usually ignited his gaze was completely absent. He, so big, seemed to have become smaller, as if he wanted to hide from the world. Rafael watched him close the door and turn on the light. Then Sonny turned around and looked at him interrogatively.

“Why are you here, Rafael?” Even the tone of his voice betrayed his despondency.

“Because you didn't cancel our date and because you need it.” Rafael simply replied.

“I won't be very joyful company.”

“If I needed entertainment, I would have gone to the theatre, there's a great play about a chef who cooks for real on stage. But things being as they are, tonight I'm the one who will cook dinner in your kitchen.”

“Huh?” Sonny felt a little like he was in a parallel universe. “Who are you and what have you done with Rafael Barba?”

Rafael laughed a little and said, “Oh, don't worry, he's right here. This is Rafael and he's telling you to go take a shower, change your clothes to make yourself comfortable and when you come back dinner will be ready.”

Sonny still stood in surprise.

“Come on, come on, do as I tell you,” Rafael said to him with that half smile that was his trademark.

Sonny was used to being the person in charge in his family. It wasn't because he was the only boy, and he wasn't the oldest either. It was just in his nature. So he didn't know how to deal with Rafael taking care of everything. However, the idea of putting everything into someone else's hands and not caring about anything was more than tempting.

“Still here?” Rafael's voice drew him out of his torpor and he walked to the bathroom. Once Sonny was gone, Rafael had started to warm up the Ajiaco he had brought back. It was one of the few recipes his grandmother had taught him to cook. He made it often and a lot because it was quickly reheated, and he liked to enjoy it after a long day's work. That's why he had picked it up quickly at his house before coming to Sonny's house. He thought back to the events as he heard the sound of the shower in the distance. He had surprised himself a bit by wanting to help the younger detective so much, even though they hadn't even had their first date, so to speak. 

What was certain was that today's events had confirmed his opinion of Sonny and his growing affection for him. Hearing the sound of the shower stop, he came out of his daydream. The familiar smell of his Abuelita's soup was in the air. He heard a door close and muffled footsteps approaching.

“Hmm, smells good.”

Rafael looked up. Sonny had put on sweatpants and a more than faded t-shirt. He was barefoot and finished drying his hair on the doorway.

“Wait till you try it.” Rafael told him. “Sit down, I'll bring everything to the table.”

It was like the shower had drained all the energy out of Sonny. He obeyed Rafael without objection and went to sit at the table. Rafael joined him with two bowls of steaming soup. After placing one in front of Sonny, he sat down on the opposite side.

Sonny looked at him in a daze.

“Eat,” Rafael said, sliding a spoon towards Sonny. The younger man took a spoonful of soup and blew on it to cool it down before bringing it to his mouth. He was surprised by all the flavours that exploded in his mouth and closed his eyes to savour the taste.

“It's really delicious. I didn't know you could cook.”

“There's still so much you don't know about me.” Rafael replied with a smirk on his face.

“I hope I can find it out,” Sonny said softly, “I'm sor-”

“Stop apologizing Sonny...”, Rafael cut him off. “You have no reason to. Eat and we’ll talk later.”

They continued to eat in silence, the calm only interrupted by the spoons’ clatterings.

Once finished, Rafael cleared the table. Sonny felt a little embarrassed, but he didn't have the strength to decide anything. Rafael came back to him and just said, “Come on, let's go sit over there,” showing him the couch. He let Sonny sit down. The younger detective sat with his legs spread apart, put his elbows on his knees and held his head in his hands. A true picture of dejection.

Rafael sat down next to him, put his arm behind him without touching Sonny.

He simply said in a soft voice, “Sonny, talk to me.”

There was another long moment of silence.

“You...you know, he had a 6-year-old daughter and a boy who was just born…” Sonny started. “He'd just gone out for a drink with some friends on his way home from work to celebrate his newborn.” Rafael understood immediately who Sonny was talking about and his heart tightened as he heard the pain in his voice.

Sonny continued: “He laughed a little loudly and just shoved Bobby around bringing the beers to his colleagues. That was enough to trigger his anger. When Bobby was angry, he was so strong... I know it... so strong.”

Rafael didn't intervene, he felt he had to let Sonny speak.

“I...If...If only I had spoken. If I had confessed that it was him who did that to me. But I didn't have Jack's courage. I stupidly kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to get him in trouble. And for what ?! For what ?! So that in the end, a father never sees his kids grow up, a baby never knows his father! All I had to do was talk!”

At that moment Rafael knew that it was up to him to speak. 

“Sonny! Stop! Listen to me! Let's try to become rational again! Let's say you talked and your parents filed a complaint, okay?”

Sonny interrupted him, “I'm not one of your cases. Don't-”

Rafael cut him off again, “But knowing you, I think that…”

Sonny said harshly, “That's the thing, you don't know me!”

Rafael wasn't offended by Sonny's tone, he knew it was insecurity that made him react that way, that's why he answered quietly, “But I want to know you if you let me. So listen to me, will you?” 

Sonny leaned his head back and closed his eyes, arms at his sides. Rafael took the opportunity to slide his own hand into his. Sonny tightened his fingers around his with so much strength, as if he was afraid Rafael would pull his hand back.

Rafael resumed what he was saying, “Let's say you talked and your parents filed a complaint. What would have happened? I'm asking you as an experienced police officer with a recent law degree.”

Sonny seemed to think for a moment and said, “Juvenile Court.”

“So? Think about your experience, what you've already seen in your work.” 

Sonny answered, “Since it was the first time, at best, his parents would've had to pay for my treatment, maybe he would've had anger management classes, at worst juvenile detention center... I see where you're going with this, Rafael. But maybe it would have helped him change.”

Rafael said, “As you say maybe, but maybe not. And now look on the victim's side. What were you, 11 years old? I think you were incredibly brave not to say anything, to keep it to yourself. It wasn't cowardice. You said it yourself to Kyle, you didn't want Bobby to get into trouble. That says so much about your character! And I heard you before, with Amanda, you said right. It's not easy to be a hero. But for me, at your age, not saying a word, that was heroic!”

Sonny raised suddenly his head and looked at him with disbelief and perhaps a tiny touch of hope in his eyes.

“Sonny, believe me, I know a lot about guilt, and I'm afraid the moment I tell you about it. To be guilty, if you take the basic definition of the word, it means to be at fault, to have done something wrong, so to me here, you're not guilty. I understand that you bear the responsibility though. So I want you to do something for me.”

Sonny looked at him questioningly, a trembling gleam in his eyes. 

Rafael said, “I want you to start forgiving yourself. Talk to the eleven years old little boy inside you and tell him that he did what he could. He was brave, nothing was his fault.”

Rafael delicately placed his hand on the side of Sonny's face and moved closer to him. Looking directly into his eyes, he said slowly, “You were brave. It was not your fault.”

Then Rafael tilted his head forward and their lips brushed. Sonny’s lips did not resist while Rafael's mouth covered them. For a short moment it was hesitant, and then Sonny seemed to let himself go against Rafael, and let him take the lead. Then, he stepped aside to look at Rafael for a short moment and buried his face in his neck. Rafael put his arms around Sonny, and feeling a wetness in his neck, he tightened his embrace and whispered, “Oh Sonny... it's going to be okay. It was not your fault.”

He repeated it again and again until he felt Sonny calm down. Then Sonny straightened up again, but didn't move away. They rearranged themselves on the sofa, Rafael his arm around Sonny's shoulders, stroking his hair sporadically, Sonny leaning against him.

Sonny started talking again, “What a great first date, huh?” he said ironically with a broken voice.

To which Rafael replied, “A good meal, emotion and a kiss, isn't that nice?”

Then he resumed, deciding to be honest, “You know Sonny, you don't have to impress me. This date, it's not a favor I was doing you. Even though I was having fun being almost begged to, I really wanted to have this date with you. So just be yourself. I don't need someone perfect.”

“And here I thought you were all about perfection,” Sonny joked slightly.

“I'm serious.” Rafael said, pulling Sonny’s ear, “The fact that we shared that intense moment on our first date instead of joking over a meal at a fancy restaurant is far more valuable to me.” He paused before continuing, “Sonny, you've shown me your flaws. You cannot imagine the gift that it is. I am so thankful for the trust you put in me and I really hope I'm worthy of it. Yes, maybe we're moving a little fast, but there's no code for relationships. We've known each other for more than 4 years, so in the end it's not that fast, is it?”

Sonny looked up at Rafael, diving directly in his eyes, scrutinizing for any trace of a lie, as if he couldn't believe him. He seemed reassured by what he saw there and took his place back on Rafael's shoulder. He exhaled a long sigh, draining all remains of sadness and punctuated by the hypnotic movement of Rafael's hand in his hair, he fell asleep.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troubles never sleep, it is Rafael's turn to be in turmoil. Will Sonny be able to help him ?
> 
> Based on s18E15

Sonny woke up with a slight headache but a feeling of lightness. As if a weight that he had not been aware of had been removed from his shoulders. Of course, he wouldn't get rid of the guilt so easily, but the fact that he had been able to share it with Rafael and be totally understood by him had been liberating.

It was then that he realized he was alone, lying on the couch and covered with a light blanket. He straightened up slightly to look at the time on the wall clock in front of him: 6 a.m.! He had slept for 7 hours, something he hadn't done in years. He wondered what time Rafael had left. 

He felt a little embarrassed thinking back to the last evening events, but at the same time he felt a warm feeling as he looked back at everything that had happened.

Sitting on the couch, he saw a piece of paper on the coffee table. He sat down and grabbed it.

_Sonny, don't panic if you wake up late, I warned Liv that you might be late. Don't worry, I just told her we had a drink together and that you weren't feeling well when you got home._

_If you're awake before 7 am, come by my office and if not, meet me there at 12 pm (in both cases bring coffee!!!)._

_Take care._

_Rafael._

Sightly smiling, Sonny repeatedly stroked his thumb over the name.

Then he got up quickly, went to the bathroom to freshen up. He got dressed, took the time to make sure his outfit could be to Rafael's liking. His conclusion was that he really should restock his ties when he has time.

He quickly took a pill for his headache and a glass of water. He picked up his keys and left his apartment. On the way he stopped to buy some coffee and headed towards 1 Hogan Place. 

When he arrived near Rafael's office, the feeling of embarrassment he had felt earlier reappeared. He entered Carmen's office.

He greeted her while putting a coffee on her desk. "Hello Carmen!"

"Good morning, Detective," she replied with half a smile. "You can go in without fear, he's in a great mood. Something good must have happened."

Carmen was his barometer of Rafael's moods, and that had repeatedly allowed him to disarm a tense situation, informing him of Rafael's mood before he went into his office.

He couldn't help but hope that he was the one who had put Rafael in such a good mood.

He knocked lightly and entered the office.

Rafael raised his head when he heard the door opening.

"Good morning, detective."

“Good morning counselor," Sonny understood for the moment they had to keep the formalities because the door was not closed.

He put the coffees on the desk, and went to close the door. When he turned around, Rafael was only a few inches away from him. Before he could say anything, Rafael had grabbed the collar of his jacket to draw him to himself. He didn't have time to react because Rafael had put his lips on his own. And Sonny couldn't think about anything else.

His arms naturally closed around Rafael.

His mouth opened to Rafael at the first lick. Sonny tasted the sweet, black espresso Rafael had probably just drunk, and something dark and irresistible that was Rafael’s own. Sonny sensed that he was already becoming addicted to that taste and tightened his embrace as if he was afraid Rafael would already pull away.

But Rafael, as if in response to Sonny's movement, put his hands behind his head and kissed him even more deeply. 

The two men finally moved apart to catch their breath without letting go of their embrace. 

"Reassured?" asked Rafael, a smile on his lips.

"Hm?" replied Sonny, still a little stunned by what had just happened. "Reassured of what?"

"Come on, Sonny, I know you, I'm sure that from your apartment to here, you must have wondered how to behave when you arrived, felt embarrassed, in short, all sorts of crazy ideas must have gone through your head. So I figured the best way to erase what was in your head was to kiss you."

"Oh, I see, so that kiss was just to reassure me?" Sonny replied, half in earnest, half in jest.

"A little, but also because I missed you and because I wanted to," Rafael replied sincerely.

Sonny could only return the favour, reigniting the fire that Rafael had begun to light a few moments ago.

But before they both let themselves be carried away by the passion that seemed to have been released, Rafael ended the kiss and stepped back a little. 

"Although it's more than pleasant, we'd better stop...for now," said Rafael.

He tidied up the collar of Sonny's jacket that he had grabbed during their kiss and then took his hand and led him to the couch and sat down next to him.

"Seriously, how are you?" he asked Sonny gently, looking at his face.

"I'm fine," Sonny replied, clearing his voice, a little disconcerted by Rafael's change of attitude.

Rafael looked at him with a dubious look, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes really. I know I'm not going to get rid of the guilt in one fell swoop. But I'm starting to forgive myself," Sonny answered frankly, looking Rafael straight in the eye.

"It's gonna be a long road, but you made the right choice." Rafael took his hand, paused before continuing, "Sonny, before we continue, I really want you to tell me that you are sure of yourself. I feel it's moving pretty fast between us and I'd like to make sure we're on the same page."

Sonny squeezed Rafael's hand back and said, "We're on the same page. Rest assured."

After a smile of contentment, Rafael stood up and said, "Good, detective, it's time for you to go arrest the bad guys and for me to do what I have to do to give them the fate they deserve." 

Sonny got up in turn. While Rafael went back to sit at his desk, he finished his coffee and threw away the empty cup. 

He hesitated for a moment, finally leaning over Rafael and quickly kissed him on the lips.

"See you later," he said as he walked away.

"Don't doubt it detective" replied Rafael and without turning around to look at him, Sonny felt the smile in his voice.

He closed the door, said goodbye to Carmen and walked lightly towards the precinct.

He could hardly believe that it had only been 24 hours since the text exchange that started it all. And even though he felt a bit overwhelmed by the speed at which things were happening between him and Rafael, he felt it was right. 

He picked up coffee for everyone on the way and entered the precinct. He saw that Olivia had already arrived. He put Amanda and Fin's coffees on their respective desks and went to join her with her coffee and his own in her office.

"Good morning Lieutenant!" he said as he handed her the coffee.

"Good morning Carisi," she replied, "I see you're finally doing well, and you're even early."

"Yes, yes, it was just tiredness." he tried to answer without blushing. 

"You know, after the difficulty of that last case, I could have understood" Olivia said understandingly. "Plus you did a hell of a job with young Kyle. Thanks to you, we were able to arrest the father. And the boy is doing just fine."

"I'm glad," Sonny said, a little embarrassed, because he felt Olivia had seen right through him. He quickly changed the subject though. "So? What's the case of the day?"

Olivia wasn't fooled, but she didn't insist.

"Let's wait till Fin and Amanda get here so I don't have to repeat myself."

___________

  
  


They had been investigating a rapist and serial killer for several days now, whose last murder appeared to be that of a copycat. 

The search led them to the creator of an application that collected and analyzed all kinds of datas. He was the victim's boss and her ex-boyfriend. 

It seemed that every time they took one step forward in this investigation, they would then take two steps back. 

But what upset Sonny the most was that he hadn't seen Rafael since they last met at his office.

Oh, they had exchanged a few text messages, but every time Sonny directed the discussion to their relationship or offered to call him, Rafael would cut it short or change the subject. And both times he came by the ADA's office, Rafael was absent. 

Sonny felt that something was wrong, but he didn't want to appear insistent or clingy. Especially since they hadn't promised each other anything yet.

He pulled himself together and concentrated on the meeting in progress.

"...recused himself."

"Who?" Sonny asked, realizing that he had missed something.

"Thank you, Detective Carisi for coming back to us. " Olivia said ironically.

"Excuse me, Lieutenant," Sonny said sheepishly.

"So, as I was saying, Barba recused himself."

"What?! But why?" In shock, Sonny tried in vain to remain calm while a thousand questions were rushing through his mind.

"Unfortunately, Carisi, I'm not allowed to talk about it. " Liv looked at him with a look of commiseration.

The rest of the meeting passed as fog for Sonny, who was trying to understand.

At the end he apologized, arguing that he had an urgent errand to run, and went to a restroom that he knew was deserted. He dialed Rafael's number several times, but each time he got his voicemail.

He left a message, trying not to sound too desperate, and then sent a last text.

\- Rafael, are you all right? You know that you can text or call me whenever you want?

Then he hesitated before continuing.

\- I don't know what's going on, but whatever it is, take care of yourself.

Just when he wasn't expecting an answer, his phone vibrated. It was a call, he picked up.

"Hi Sonny. I can't talk to you about this. Not right now anyway. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." 

"It's okay Rafael, please don't be sorry. Just take care of yourself."

"Thanks, Sonny. I don't deserve you…"

And he hung up.

After that exchange, Sonny felt even more unsettled. He sensed something big, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

So he did what he did best in such a situation, he immersed himself in work.

_______

  
  


"Carisi! Hey Carisi!"

Sonny was taken from his thoughts by Amanda.

"We're done. You come and have a drink with us at Forlini’s. We've had enough hard business lately, we deserve to celebrate, don't we?"

But Sonny didn't want to, yes, the case was over, and Willard, the culprit was convicted, but Sonny still had no news of Rafael. Worse than that, he had seen him in the audience at the verdict but by the time they could get out, he was already gone. Without a word or a glance. Sonny had felt an icy hand around his heart. He didn't know how to reach Rafael, because Rafael didn't want him to approach him. So he was really not in the mood to party.

"No Amanda, I don't feel like it." He didn't want to pretend either, not pretending to have papers to finish or to be tired. 

"Oh come on Carisi, just because your favorite ADA isn't there doesn't mean you have to get depressed-"

"Amanda let it go. You can see he doesn't want to."

Fin looked at him with a knowing look on his face. 

"Come on." he added, pulling her by the arm. Sonny heard the sounds of their discussion fade as they moved away. Thank you Fin and his legendary intuition.

He was still wondering what to do when his phone rang.

"Yeah, Carisi."

"I knew you would still be here."

"Olivia?"

"Are you alone?"

"Yes, Fin and Amanda just left for Forlini’s."

"Good. Then listen to me. I need you to come and get Barba."

"What?"

"It's not for me to explain the details, but if my intuition doesn't deceive me, I think you're the one who can help him."

"Uh...yeah sure, if you think I could help him, but I felt like he didn't want to see me too much."

"I think you're going to have to convince him a little bit. But I trust you. Carisi, I know you, I wouldn't ask you to do it if I didn't feel you could do it."

He wondered how she did it, because he didn't feel able to do it at all.

"If you say so. Where do I get him back?"

"In front of the District Attorney's office, he's with McCoy right now."

"Okay. I'll be there in..."

He looked at his watch.

"10 minutes."

"Perfect! But Carisi, be patient please. And listen to him, the rest will happen naturally."

"Okay."

Sonny was increasingly perplexed.

"Thank you, Carisi." And she hung up.

Sonny quickly grabbed his things and quickly made his way to the front of the building where the DA's office was located. He positioned himself so that he could see Rafael coming, no matter which exit he took.

He had been waiting for half an hour, the day was beginning to wane. Almost no one left the building, at least it would be easier to spot Rafael.

The middle door opened, and as it had every time since he was stationed there, Sonny's heart leapt into his chest. But this time it wasn't followed by the blow of disappointment, because it was Rafael. 

Sonny stepped into the light.

Rafael, noticing him right away, stopped as if frozen.

It was the first time Sonny had ever seen such an expression on the lawyer's face.

"Son...Sonny? What are you doing here?" even the sound of his voice betrayed his state of shock. Sonny joined him in three strides. 

"Olivia told me to come get you. The rest is up to you."

"Uh...I'm not...I'm not ready. I'm not..."

"Hey Rafael, stop, calm down, ok. I'm not asking you for anything, but what I'm sure of now when I see you is that I'm not going to leave you alone. So you have a choice, a bar, my place or yours, but whatever you choose, I'll stay with you."

Rafael looked even more surprised if that was possible. Then he gave up, in an attitude of surrender, as if he no longer had the strength to fight. "My home then...". Even his voice was full of defeat. 

Sonny hailed a cab. He sat in the back next to Rafael. He hesitated only two seconds before taking Rafael's hand in his own. Rafael's fingers automatically closed on his, and he felt the lawyer leaning slightly against him, imperceptible to the outside eye, but not to Sonny.

The journey to Barba's apartment was silent.

Arriving in front of the building, Sonny followed Rafael. Once inside the apartment, Rafael dropped his suitcase at the entrance, carelessly threw his coat on a chair, his suit jacket on the back of the sofa, and loosened his tie before standing in front of the window. While putting his coat on top of Rafael's, Sonny wondered for a moment what attitude to have before doing what was always most successful for him and trusting his instincts. He walked towards where Rafael was and slowly, so as not to frighten him, embraced him from behind. After freezing for a short time, Rafael let out a deep exhalation before letting himself go against Sonny, putting his hands on Sonny's. Sonny tightened his arms just a little and placed his chin on his shoulder and whispered in Rafael's ear, "Do you want to tell me about it?"

After a few minutes, Rafael took his hands away and turned around and looked at Sonny. It was the first time Sonny had ever seen so much uncertainty on Rafael's face. 

"I want to talk to you about it, but I'm afraid that once you know the truth, you won't want anything more to do with me. Remember what I said about guilt, that I knew what it was and that I was afraid when I was going to tell you? Well, here we are."

Sonny knew there was a dark side to Rafael and he knew that being at the beginning of their relationship, there were still a lot of things he didn't know about Rafael's past. But he knew the man he was now, he knew that he wouldn't have such strong feelings for the man if he wasn't a good person. Maybe it was naive, but that's the way he was. And he decided to trust Rafael and tell him exactly that.

"Rafael, I will listen to your story, and I will be honest with you. But just know that whatever you say will not change my opinion of you."

"That you can't know, Sonny."

"The fact that Olivia, who seems to know the whole story, sent me to you, makes me think otherwise. But I understand your fear. So I promise to be sincere no matter what you tell me. Come on, let's go sit on the couch."

Rafael let the young detective take him and they settled down. Sonny simply put his right hand on Rafael's knee and waited for him to start talking. What Rafael did after several minutes of silence.

"I had to recuse myself because Willard, your culprit, put pressure on me. He found out that I was paying a monthly sum of money to a young girl, Ashtonja Abreu. He thinks I'm sleeping with her, but Sonny, I swear I'm not!"

Sonny, who had promised not to interrupt him, intervened anyway to reassure Rafael. He tightened the hand he had on Rafael's knee, gently and simply saying, "Rafael, I know, I know you, I trust you." 

Rafael let out a little sigh before continuing, "I didn't deceive him because I didn't want him to know more, though what he doesn't know is that I knew Ashtonja's mother, Marianna. She was an heroin addict. And she was a witness in a case where a guy raped and killed two women. She was my only witness. On the day of the trial she was so nervous that she could barely speak. The judge wouldn't adjourn the hearing. Marianna asked me for money and I gave it to her, fully aware that she would pay for heroin."

Rafael paused, swallowed. Sonny waited for him to continue, already seeing where the story would take him. He tightened his hand a little more on Rafael's knee. Rafael resumed, "She bought what she wanted, and she did what she wanted with it. She came to the bar and she smashed this guy. She sent a nice piece of trash to jail. For the rest of his life. And she died of an overdose eight hours later." Rafael's voice was just a breath and a rasp of all the guilt he was carrying. "She was leaving a 10-year-old girl."

"To whom you've been paying money ever since her disappearance."

"Ashtonja lives with her grandmother, they don't have a penny. It's to help them. Willard probably hacked into my bank account and was able to trace the payments. You understand Sonny, I didn't want Ashtonja to get caught in the middle. I was willing to suffer the consequences, but I didn't want Ashtonja to pay for my mistakes and her mother's. I didn't want her to be in the middle of it. That's why I had to recuse myself. And before you ask why I didn't tell you, I didn't want to jeopardize your investigation and the possibility of locking him up."

"And since I picked you up from the D.A.'s office, I assume you told him everything... What are the consequences for you?"

"I don't know yet. He'll let me know his decision tomorrow. I guess I'd get at least a temporary layoff, at most I'd have to resign, I think. This may have been our last case together."

Sonny straightened, grabbed Rafael's chin, turned to him, and said in a firm voice, "Don't say that, Rafael."

Rafael took Sonny's hand from his cheek and held it in his, "Sonny, although I am incredibly pleased with your vote of confidence, prepare yourself to face reality, what I did deserves a punishment, and whatever it is, I am willing to accept it without resistance. Now I'm going to freshen up and give you plenty of time to think about what I've just told you. Take your time, Sonny, don't get too excited like you always do. I'm ready to hear everything from you."

Rafael squeezed his hand lightly before letting go, getting up and walking to the bathroom.

Sonny got up in turn and went to stand in front of the window, replaying in his mind everything Rafael had just revealed to him. But he knew that no matter how many times he replayed it in his head, it wouldn't change his opinion of the man. The only thing is that knowing that the prosecutor might have flaws only made him more human in Sonny's eyes, and where Rafael would surely believe that it would take Sonny away from him, it only made him closer to him, and that's what he intended to tell him when he heard him coming back.

When Rafael entered the living room, he looked almost surprised to find Sonny still there. 

"You... are you still here?"

"You think so little of me? Did you really think I'd be gone?"

"Well, finding out that the man you put on a pedestal isn't perfect, I guess that would scare anyone away."

"But Rafael, I'm not just anyone. I thought you knew that."

Rafael walked up to him and looked at him with a sad smile, "Oh I know that Sonny, believe me I know that you are not just anyone. And that's what scares me sometimes, because you're important to me, I'm afraid that I'm not, like tonight, going to live up to your expectations."

"Stop! Stop this right now." Sonny had come two steps closer and put a finger over Rafael's mouth. Then he hugged him and put his forehead against his own and said softly, "Believe me Rafael, if anyone knows anything about living up to other people's expectations, it's me. And know that you will never have to do anything to live up to my expectations, for the good reason that I want you to be nothing but you. Am I going to tell you that I approve of what you did 8 years ago? Deep down, I would say no, would I have done the same thing as you? Probably, surely, maybe, I don't know because I wasn't there. Who am I to judge, me the cop who is ready to do anything, to use his empathy to crack down on the guilty? Is that better? I don't think so. Munch once told me, ‘you have to play with the cards you have, you don't have an Ace so you have to make yourself one, Sonny.’ And I believe, even though it's reprehensible and you'll carry the guilt for the rest of your life, that you played with the cards you had at that time."

"But-"

"Let me finish. You told me that I had to start forgiving myself. Well, that's probably one of the things we have in common."

"But how can you compare?"

"Rafael, your decision, like mine when I was a child, led to someone's death. But as you told me, we both bear a part of the responsibility that we have to live with."

"You really listen to everything I say, don't you?" 

"Always." Sonny answered him with a big smile.

Then Rafael put his hand to Sonny's cheek and pushed him away a little to better immerse his gaze in his own. He then gently asked him, "Aren't you disappointed in me?"

Sonny didn't think about it, gave him back his gaze and said firmly, "No." before kissing him, putting in the kiss all that he felt and all the strength of his conviction. 

Rafael embraced him and Sonny felt his embrace tighten even more, as if he didn't want to let go. Sonny managed to move back a little. He saw in Rafael's eyes everything the man couldn't tell him. Rafael traced lightly the outline of his face with his fingertips and said in an almost inaudible voice, "Stay."

"I'm not leaving, Rafael."

"No, I mean, tonight, stay, stay with me."

"Okay, I'll stay," Sonny replied directly, although a little surprised. Rafael took his hand and Sonny let himself be drawn into what he thought was Rafael's bedroom. 

When they arrived on the doorway, Rafael turned around, "Will you sleep with me, just sleep?"

Sonny just nodded and said, "Whatever you want Rafael, and if you still prefer me to sleep on the couch, I'll do that too."

Rafael pulled him closer, "No! I really need you near me."

Sonny, touched by Rafael's vulnerability, just squeezed his hand and said, "I'm here." And with more confidence than he felt, he began to undress, until he was just in his underwear. He placed his clothes on a chair in a corner of the room and turning to Rafael, who had imitated him, he simply asked, "Which side do you sleep on?"

"Hm? Ah, uh, left."

"Okay." Sonny went to lie on the right side, put himself on his right side and waited for Rafael to join him. Rafael climbed into the bed and faced Sonny, leaving a considerable distance between them. But Sonny had none of that, so he moved closer and embraced Rafael, who let him and wedged his head against Sonny's neck. Sonny rest than his chin on the top of Rafael's head. He felt him gently relax.

He put a light kiss on Rafael's hair and gently said, "Sleep, I'm here. Sleep Rafael." 

Only once he was sure that Rafael had fallen asleep, Sonny, after setting an alarm clock on his watch, closed his eyes and let sleep claim him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the turmoil, Rafael and Sonny finally have some time to get to know each other

Rafael had a strange feeling when he woke up. The feeling of being at home and not being at home. It was indeed his pillow under his head and his comforter on his shoulders, but something was different. Letting the sleep dissipate completely, the memories of the night before came back to his mind, and feeling the weight of an arm on his hips, he became fully aware of the situation. Feeling Sonny's steady breath on his cheek, he slowly opened his eyes.

He must have rolled over in the night, because he vaguely remembered falling asleep with his back against the young detective. He felt a little uncomfortable at the memory of what had happened, of having shown him so much vulnerability. 

He let his gaze wander over Sonny's face. He looked so relaxed, without the crease he had between his eyebrows most of the time, the curls of hair falling loosely over his forehead. So young. His guard completely down. Rafael felt almost unworthy of such trust. But he knew that behind this sweet and innocent appearance, there was also a strong man, someone he could lean on and trust completely if yesterday's events had proven anything to him.

Honestly, Rafael didn't think, didn't even dare to hope, that Sonny would react this way. He had once again surprised him with his reaction and the width of his compassion. This was the first time Rafael had been the beneficiary of it. He still didn't know where this relationship or beginning of a relationship was going to take them, but considering what they had both just been through, he figured he could be a tiny bit optimistic.

"I can hear you thinking..."

Lost in his thoughts, Rafael hadn't realized that the young man had also woken up. Sonny did not leave him the time to answer, he kissed him lightly, before rolling on his back, stretching and saying in a yawn, "Morning..."

In front of so much simplicity, Rafael couldn't hold back the smile which came to his lips. Before letting his old habits retain him, he leaned, pushed back a lock on the forehead of Sonny and leaving his hand on his cheek, returned him the same kiss before resting his head on the shoulder of the young man. This one closed instinctively his arm around him. "Good morning Sonny."

The silence lasted still some moments, it was Saturday, neither of them needed to be at work, they had all the time of the world for once.

After a few moments, "Rafael..."

"Hm..."

"Regarding yesterday..." Sonny paused, Rafael tensed waiting for him to continue, wondering if now was the time for the reaction he had been waiting for, now that it was daylight. That Sonny had realized he couldn't accept what he had confessed to him. He held his breath.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. Whatever was said last night, can stay last night. If you need to talk about it though, that's when you want to, when you feel it's necessary. I just want to repeat what I said last night, now that both our minds are clear, so that you know that I fully mean what I say," he paused and turned completely to Rafael and looked him straight in the eye, before continuing, "I'm not disappointed and it hasn't made me change my opinion of you. I'm even more convinced to keep exploring what's between us. If we're both still here, together, when we've revealed some of our darkest secrets to each other, I think it's worth continuing right?"

"Sonny...I don't deserve you."

"It's not about deserving each other, or being worthy of each other or some other bullshit like that. It's not a competition. Don't try to be someone else for me, just be you."

For Rafael, for whom life had always been all about competition, proving to his father that he was worth something, graduating first from Harvard, working his way through his career, winning lawsuits... it was new to have nothing to do to earn someone else's approval or affection. Being him, sometimes he wondered if he knew how to do that anymore. But for the man at his side he thought he might be able to again. He resumed his position, his head on Sonny's shoulder. The young man kissed his hair before whispering, "However..." he felt Sonny's smile against his head. 

"What?"

"I wonder when we'll actually have our first date?"

Rafael stifled a small laugh, "We're unconventional, so I don't think we'll mind doing things a little upside down."

Sonny straightened up a little abruptly and Rafael found himself suddenly with a young detective astride him, who was framing his head with his arms and his mouth close to his own Sonny whispered to him, "So you don't mind if we continue to do things a little upside down?" before kissing him passionately. When he pulled back a little, he looked at Rafael questioningly, a glint of desire in his eyes. 

"Well detective, what are you waiting for to turn me upside down..."

Sonny wasn't told twice as he felt Rafael's legs flex under him, deliberately wedging himself in to make them both more comfortable.

"Closer," Rafael said in a husky voice. The tone of his voice was urgent, and it sent a shiver through Sonny's body as he leaned forward at the same time Rafael's lips claimed his in a passionate kiss. Rafael's hands moved over Sonny's back and then into the ashy blonde curls, pressing his head. Sonny moaned into the kiss that became hotter and hotter with passion.

Sonny moved his hands between them, but Rafael grasped them firmly. Their eyes met and Sonny understood.

"No," Rafael whispered, "Don't touch me for now."

Sonny nodded enthusiastically, placed his hands in Rafael's hair instead, and dipped his head into the junction between Rafael's neck and shoulder, savoring the feel of his skin against his own. He licked the skin, breathed in the scent, and relished in Rafael's own flavor, already knowing that he was addicted, that he would recognize it anywhere, now that he had tasted it.

When he moaned softly at the wet touch of Sonny's tongue against his throat, Rafael's husky voice vibrated in his chest and made Sonny shiver. Sonny moved his caresses from his lover’s elegant feet to his legs, down his calves and over his thighs, but stopped without touching between Rafael's legs, though he could see the desire and need in the other man's eyes. Rafael, not seeming to want to stop kissing him for more than a few seconds, drew his head back to him in another hot kiss.

Sonny moaned gratefully as Rafael's hardness rubbed against his, with only the fabric of their underwear between them. At first, they rocked gently against each other. Sonny sensed the urgency would soon grow, and he longed for it.

Years ago, Sonny would have protested this, would have wanted to get rid of those restrictive clothes, eager and longing to feel skin against skin. Now, a little older and more seasoned, and because with Rafael he had plenty of time, he enjoyed the slow burn toward release. The pleasure slowly intensified. He felt himself harden again, as Rafael's hands moved over the backs of his thighs and then his buttocks. The grip on Sonny's buttocks tightened and Sonny breathed a sigh of relief. Rafael's gesture brought their erections into alignment and Sonny dove in for another kiss. This time it was almost violent in its intensity.

"I want you," Sonny moaned.

"Yesss," Rafael hissed and pulled him closer, arms wrapping around his slender body. Sonny felt wanted like he'd never felt before.

Now desperate to get even closer as if he wanted to melt into Rafael, Sonny moaned and moved his hands under Rafael's body, gripping the buttocks in his hands, pulling the other man closer, forcing their erections to meet in a steady motion, the movement becoming rhythmic, necessary, and so unbearably soft. Rafael pulled his legs up and wrapped them around Sonny's thighs, causing the friction to increase, and Sonny moaned again even louder. The speed of their movements quickened, and it felt good, so good, and he wanted more, he wanted skin on skin, he wanted the touch of Rafael's hands on his hard cock, but it was too good to slow down and ask for it, too good to disturb, and he knew it would only be a few seconds before he would come, a few seconds before this moment of pleasure and of oblivion was over. Rafael threw his head back, losing control and desperately rubbing his hips against Sonny's. He groaned deeply at the delicious rubbing and came. Sonny quickly followed him and slumped over, staying that way for many minutes until his breath returned to a more or less normal rhythm.

When he woke up some time later, Rafael realized he had fallen asleep. He reached behind him, groping, and realized that Sonny was gone. As he stretched, he heard noises coming from the kitchen. He refused to question the wave of relief that washed over him, got up, went to the bathroom to freshen up, and changed into casual clothes before heading to the kitchen. 

As Rafael was barefoot, Sonny had not heard him arrive. 

He took the opportunity to observe the young detective, leaning against the doorframe. Sonny, who because of his big size, sometimes had a clumsy air, moved with grace in the kitchen of Rafael who enjoyed the spectacle. After a few seconds, not wanting to scare him, he cleared his throat to signal his presence. Sonny turned around abruptly and the smile lighting up his face at the sight of Rafael finished to erase the last fragments of doubts that could have had Rafael. He approached and taking Sonny's smiling face in his hands, he pulled him towards him and kissed him gently, then stepped back. 

"Morning Rafael..."

"Morning Sonny, again," Rafael replied as he sat down in one of the high chairs at the kitchen counter. Sonny placed a cup of coffee and a plate with scones and jam in front of him and Rafael wondered where he had gotten the stuff to make scones. Sonny sat down across from him with a cup of coffee and a similar plate. They shared the beginning of their impromptu breakfast in silence. 

After biting into a scone with delight, unable to hold back a grunt of pleasure, Rafael asked Sonny, "I had already heard about your cooking skills from the rest of the squad, but I didn't know you were a talented baker?"

Sonny blushed slightly, "I always enjoyed watching my nonna bake, and I realized that by watching her I had incorporated a lot of her recipes, so it's now something I do for fun. It turns out that among your meager supplies, there was still plenty to do." 

Rafael enjoyed listening as much as watching the young man speak, because he accompanied his speech with his hands, and he always did it even more when he was talking about something he was passionate about.

"So cooking in general, is something you practice as a... hobby?"

"Yes you could say that, plus it allows me to please people, so it kills two birds with one stone."

"And what does Sonny Carisi like to do, for him, only for him?" asked Rafael, curious and eager to know better his lover, for once they had a little time in front of them.

Sonny seemed to think before answering on a tone a little hesitating, "Hum..." he made a pause, he seemed really embarrassed.

Rafael put his hand on his, "Sonny?"

"Actually, I like stargazing." Sonny looked him straight in the eye, as if daring him to make fun of him, which Rafael had no desire to do at all. He was mostly surprised and didn't expect Sonny to have a hobby like that. That made him even more curious.

"Okay, can you tell me more, where, how, why?"

"Uh... on my balcony, I have a small telescope. For as long as I can remember I liked to look at the stars but not look any further. I liked to lie in the grass in the summer at my parents' house and stare at the starry sky until I felt like it was going to swallow me up. And now it's something I do mostly when we've just closed a case, sometimes with my telescope, sometimes just like that, at least when the city skies allow it. Looking at the stars makes me feel like I'm not much, but not in a negative sense, more like a tiny part of a great whole. And that this great whole is unchanging, that even when I can't see it, it's there. Sorry..." He paused and had a small self-deprecating laugh before resuming, "In my head it sounded clear, it must sound weird to you. But to answer your question, this is what I do for myself." 

He paused for a moment before resuming, still with that little air of self-deprecation, "There you go again, knowing one of my secrets." He lowered his head, a little embarrassed, and twirled his cup in his hands.

Rafael placed his hands on Sonny's to calm the nervous movement, figuring that the more he learned about Sonny, the more surprised he was. "I understand Sonny, and it's very clear. I hope one day you'll want to show me." 

Sonny raised his head in surprise, "What?"

"I hope someday you'll want to show me."

"Um...yeah sure," Sonny finally replied with a smile tinged with amazement.

Rafael stood up and Sonny followed him with his eyes as they pulled a beautiful, ornate box out of a drawer in the living room dresser.

He returned and placed it in front of Sonny, motioning for him to open it.

Sonny lifted the lid, and he was surprised to see neatly filed, alphabetically sorted, postcards. 

"May I..."

Rafael nodded. Sonny grabbed a card in the A file. It was a postcard of Athens, images of blue sky, equally blue sea and the typical white houses. He turned it over and saw that it was not addressed to Rafael, he looked up questioningly.

"This is my hobby. It's something I've been doing since I was a kid. My abuelita used to give me her old postcards and since we weren't rich enough to go on vacation, I used to escape like that and it's something I've continued to do because I don't have time to go on vacation or because I need to get away when a case is too heavy."

Sonny was touched that Rafael, once again showed him something personal, that he trusted him enough to reveal this kind of thing to him. 

"So will you show me sometime?" asked Rafael again.

"Yes." 

This moment of sharing and discovering each other set the tone for the day and the weekend itself. The last events having brought a mutual understanding, the intimacy installed itself between them in a natural way. 

So when Sonny said in the afternoon that he had to go home to change and hesitated to ask Rafael if he could come back in the evening, Rafael simply said, "And bring something for tomorrow too when you come back afterwards." 

So in a subtle but simple way, he put the young detective at ease with every hesitation. 

In the same way, Sonny who was not hesitant to show his affection and needing to touch Rafael all the time, took his hand, hugged him in passing, gave him a light caress and ignored the moments when Rafael stiffened slightly, or rather did not make it an obstacle. He knew that Rafael was not the demonstrative type, but he felt him relax little by little.

When Sunday evening came and Sonny was about to go home, Rafael was surprised to see Sonny a little nervous again, fidgeting like he wanted to say something and didn't dare. He had even started to bite his thumbnail slightly. Rafael put his hand on top of his and said, "Sonny, you know you can tell me anything and I can see something is bothering you."

"I... hm... that..." Sonny sighed and said in one breath "howaboutwetellOliviasoshecandothediscosurepaperforusandwe'llbeintheclear"

"Easy Sonny, punctuation and breaths, I'll understand better."

Sonny tried to calm down and repeated more calmly, "How about we speak about us to Olivia so she can do the disclosure papart for us and we'll be in the clear."

Rafael froze slightly, and took the time to think about what Sonny had just told him. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice that Sonny had gotten up, picked up his bag and walked back to Rafael.

He leaned over to Rafael, placed a light kiss on his lips and whispered without meeting his eyes, "I'm sorry, I understand, it's too soon. I'll see you tomorrow." He straightened up and headed for the door.

"Sonny! Wait!" Rafael rushed up behind him and grabbed his wrist, turning him towards him. 

He could see on Sonny's face how much his lack of reaction had hurt him. 

"Oh Sonny... no, you misunderstood."

"Don't worry, I understand Raf-"

"Shh! Let me do the talking. Of course I agree, I was just surprised because you beat me to it. Wait a minute! Go sit down! I'm coming!"

He pushed the young man toward the couch, past him, grabbed some papers off his desk, and came back to Sonny. 

"Now sit down and read quietly and calm down."

He put the paper sheets in his hands.

Sonny obeyed him, then a moment later he raised his head, a little confused.

"Rafael, this is..."

Rafael nodded, "That's right..."

Then Sonny's gaze shifted quickly and several times from Rafael to the papers in his hands.

"But... but... it's dated the day we decided to date?!!"

"Yes Sonny." Rafael felt he had to explain, "I wanted to do it quickly of course in relation to our work, but especially for you."

"For me?"

"Someday you'll use your law degree, I'm sure. And when you're ready to do that, people need to know that your place is only earned by your own effort. And not because you are or were the partner of the incumbent prosecutor."

"Oh...I understand. Wait! I am your partner?"

"I should have known that's all you'd take away from the sentence." Rafael rolled his eyes as Sonny smiled sheepishly.

"No but seriously, you know what I mean Sonny."

"Yes Raf, and I agree."

"Well then what are you waiting for to sign."

Sonny slid closer to Rafael who handed him a pen and he signed the papers with a hand that didn't shake. He put the pen aside and turning to rafael, he put his personal signature on Rafael's lips in a kiss containing the promises of an admittedly uncertain future, where everything was still to be built but that they would build together.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of this first part. First part I said? Yes, the first part of a bigger project that has been dormant for a long time. We stop here at the episode 15 of the season 18 and I will continue to explore the relationship of Sonny and Rafael through some episodes, in the form of oneshots more or less long.  
> Thanks for following this far and thanks to those who waited so long for the next chapters.
> 
> Thank you Sarahcakes613 for the betareading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Sarahcakes613 for the betareading !
> 
> As always, kudos, comment either here or on twitter are always welcome !


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